1)
LIFE IS NOT FAIR. GET USED TO IT. The average teenager uses the phrase "it’s not fair" 8.6 times a day. The kids got it from their parents who said it so often they decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When the parents started hearing it from their own kids, they realized rule #1.
2)
THE REAL WORLD WON’T CARE AS MUCH AS YOUR SCHOOL DOES ABOUT YOUR SELF ESTEEM. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. When inflated self-esteem meets reality most kids complain that it’s not fair. (See rule #1.)
3)
SORRY, YOU WON’T MAKE $40,000 A YEAR RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
4)
IF YOU THINK YOUR TEACHER IS TOUGH, WAIT TILL YOU GET A BOSS. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you FEEL about it.
5)
YOUR SCHOOL MAY HAVE DONE AWAY WITH WINNERS AND LOSERS. LIFE HASN’T. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades, have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. See rules #1, 2, and 4.
6)
FLIPPING BURGERS IS NOT BENEATH YOUR DIGNITY. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
7)
TELEVISION IS NOT REAL LIFE. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in thirty minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky, sexy, or predictable as Jennifer Aniston.
8)
BEFORE YOU WERE BORN YOUR PARENTS WEREN’T AS BORING AS THEY ARE NOW. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood sucking parasites of your parents generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
9)
LIFE IS NOT DIVIDED INTO SEMESTERS. AND YOU DON’T GET SUMMERS OFF. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For 8 hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. If just goes on and on. While we’re at it, few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. See rules #1 and 2.
10)
IT’S NOT YOUR PARENTS FAULT. IF YOU SCREW UP YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. This is the flip side of "It’s my life," and "You’re not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
11)
BE NICE TO NERDS. YOU MAY END UP WORKING FOR THEM. WE ALL COULD.
12)
SMOKING DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL . . . IT MAKES YOU LOOK MORONIC. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
13)
YOU ARE NOT IMMORTAL. See rule #9. If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young, and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
14)
ENJOY THIS WHILE YOU CAN. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. Someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.
